Mothers living with conflict by Elaine Heffner

The revival of Wendy Wasserstein’s play “The Heidi Chronicles” focuses attention on unresolved questions in an earlier form from an earlier time. Having opened on Broadway first in 1989, the play ended the decade that began with Helen Gurley Brown’s “Having it All” in 1982. That decade having begun with high expectations, Wasserstein reflects the questioning and perhaps disillusionment at its end. It is interesting to revisit the evolution of women’s choices and feelings during a period that marked a struggle to transform the role of women. The 1970s, a time of militant feminism, was marked in a sense by avoiding the central conflict women were to face between caring for children — emotionally and physically — while pursuing personal goals. The focus was on personal fulfillment and rejection of the “housewife” label. But women did find themselves with the wish — or need — for mates and children as part of their “personal fulfillment.” In the early ‘80s I was asked to do a survey for Redbook Magazine on how women felt about motherhood. The results revealed a renewed interest and desire to have children as an expression of being fulfilled as a woman. A new baby boom was on the way and the “solution” to “having it all” was to become “superwoman.” This gave rise to the familiar ads in newspapers and magazines portraying a mom with a briefcase in one arm and a baby on the other. The world has moved on, bringing new realities. Women as breadwinners have become the norm. The economy as well as social changes no longer support the traditional picture of father as economic provider and mother as caretaker of home and children. In increasing numbers women have become primary breadwinners and fathers have taken the role of child care. Economic reality often replaces personal fulfillment. Yet the conflict between personal goals and commitment to others continues to find expression — often in unsatisfying solutions. Increasingly, women who have the financial means have returned to full-time motherhood in response to the stresses of combining child care with demanding jobs. The conflict involved in this history and in present dilemmas is not one that can be resolved if the goal is to no longer experience conflict. In our wish to rid ourselves of unpleasant conflicted feelings, we continue the search for a solution to accomplish that goal. But a conflict between personal needs and wishes and those of others is inherent in all human relationships and is especially strong in relationships with our dependent children. Much of life consists of trying to balance which needs predominate in situations that occur daily. Page 2 of 2 - The inherent conflict in relationships is intensified by both internal and external factors that need to be addressed. On the social level, nostalgia for an earlier time has contributed to the failure to provide needed universal child-care supports. On the internal level, destructive feelings of guilt on the part of mothers interfere with an ability to balance their own needs with those of their children. Part of that guilt is an expression of the deep love and responsibility they feel for their children. Part is the legacy of theories about children and mothers and children’s needs. These theories were developed when the norm was mothers as full-time caregivers, which then tied meeting children’s needs to mother care rather than nurturing. As a consequence, ideas about children’s needs and being a “good mother” have been distorted. The real task, which has not yet been adequately addressed, is learning to live with feelings of conflict, recognizing that it is part of the human condition. Elaine Heffner, LCSW, Ed.D., has written for Parents Magazine, Fox.com, Redbook, Disney online and PBS Parents, as well as other publications. She is a psychotherapist and parent educator in private practice, as well as a senior lecturer of education in psychiatry at Weill Cornell Medical College. Dr. Heffner was a co-founder and served as director of the Nursery School Treatment Center at Payne Whitney Clinic, New York Hospital. She blogs at goodenoughmothering.co.uk http://www.mpnnow.com/article/20150331/NEWS/150339929/2002/LIFESTYLE/?Start=2k