The Secret Word to Easier Parenting by Abundant Mama

“Tell me and I forget, teach me and I may remember, involve me and I learn.” ― Benjamin Franklin You want your child to do what you ask. You want them to hear you the first time. You want them to do it right, too. But, they don’t listen. They squawk and argue. You’re feeling hopeless. You don’t want to fight about it. So, I give you the secret word to easier parenting that also happens to invite connection between you and your independent offspring. Are you ready? Here’s the secret word to easier parenting: Let’s (is that really two words?) Let’s clean your room. Let’s go outside and play. Let’s read. Let’s eat all of our veggies tonight. Let’s see how fast we can get the dishes done tonight. Let’s make dinner. Let’s __________. {Fill in the blank on what you’ll say today} Using let’s is a lot nicer than saying GO. It’s more welcoming. More loving. More playful. And, so, even if it doesn’t always work (because it will not always work), by using it you’ve begun transforming how you speak to each other at home. And that makes the world a happier place to live, doesn’t it? What do you think? Is this a word you use often or not? Please share any other words you use on a regular basis to create more peace in your home. If you like this idea of easier parenting, please sign up to get on the Abundant Mama waiting list for April 2015.http://www.abundantmama.com/the-secret-word-to-easier-parenting/

Mothers living with conflict by Elaine Heffner

The revival of Wendy Wasserstein’s play “The Heidi Chronicles” focuses attention on unresolved questions in an earlier form from an earlier time. Having opened on Broadway first in 1989, the play ended the decade that began with Helen Gurley Brown’s “Having it All” in 1982. That decade having begun with high expectations, Wasserstein reflects the questioning and perhaps disillusionment at its end. It is interesting to revisit the evolution of women’s choices and feelings during a period that marked a struggle to transform the role of women. The 1970s, a time of militant feminism, was marked in a sense by avoiding the central conflict women were to face between caring for children — emotionally and physically — while pursuing personal goals. The focus was on personal fulfillment and rejection of the “housewife” label. But women did find themselves with the wish — or need — for mates and children as part of their “personal fulfillment.” In the early ‘80s I was asked to do a survey for Redbook Magazine on how women felt about motherhood. The results revealed a renewed interest and desire to have children as an expression of being fulfilled as a woman. A new baby boom was on the way and the “solution” to “having it all” was to become “superwoman.” This gave rise to the familiar ads in newspapers and magazines portraying a mom with a briefcase in one arm and a baby on the other. The world has moved on, bringing new realities. Women as breadwinners have become the norm. The economy as well as social changes no longer support the traditional picture of father as economic provider and mother as caretaker of home and children. In increasing numbers women have become primary breadwinners and fathers have taken the role of child care. Economic reality often replaces personal fulfillment. Yet the conflict between personal goals and commitment to others continues to find expression — often in unsatisfying solutions. Increasingly, women who have the financial means have returned to full-time motherhood in response to the stresses of combining child care with demanding jobs. The conflict involved in this history and in present dilemmas is not one that can be resolved if the goal is to no longer experience conflict. In our wish to rid ourselves of unpleasant conflicted feelings, we continue the search for a solution to accomplish that goal. But a conflict between personal needs and wishes and those of others is inherent in all human relationships and is especially strong in relationships with our dependent children. Much of life consists of trying to balance which needs predominate in situations that occur daily. Page 2 of 2 - The inherent conflict in relationships is intensified by both internal and external factors that need to be addressed. On the social level, nostalgia for an earlier time has contributed to the failure to provide needed universal child-care supports. On the internal level, destructive feelings of guilt on the part of mothers interfere with an ability to balance their own needs with those of their children. Part of that guilt is an expression of the deep love and responsibility they feel for their children. Part is the legacy of theories about children and mothers and children’s needs. These theories were developed when the norm was mothers as full-time caregivers, which then tied meeting children’s needs to mother care rather than nurturing. As a consequence, ideas about children’s needs and being a “good mother” have been distorted. The real task, which has not yet been adequately addressed, is learning to live with feelings of conflict, recognizing that it is part of the human condition. Elaine Heffner, LCSW, Ed.D., has written for Parents Magazine, Fox.com, Redbook, Disney online and PBS Parents, as well as other publications. She is a psychotherapist and parent educator in private practice, as well as a senior lecturer of education in psychiatry at Weill Cornell Medical College. Dr. Heffner was a co-founder and served as director of the Nursery School Treatment Center at Payne Whitney Clinic, New York Hospital. She blogs at goodenoughmothering.co.uk http://www.mpnnow.com/article/20150331/NEWS/150339929/2002/LIFESTYLE/?Start=2k

When Breast Feeding Isn't Easy (Plus 6Tips) byb Linnea Covington

New Mother’s Anguish: When Breastfeeding Isn’t Easy (Plus 6 Tips) Breastfeeding can be difficult, and a lot of work. One mother shares her experience and tips. * * * For most mothers, feeding your baby is one of the first things you do after your child is born and placed in your arms. That is, if you are lucky enough to have a problem-free birth. Unfortunately for me, when my son entered the world he wasn’t screaming; in fact, he wasn’t breathing at all. That blissful moment of bonding over baby’s first meal didn’t happen for three days, and even then, it was in the neonatal intensive care unit, known as NICU, surrounded by blinking machines, other teary-eyed parents, and a lot of nurses. * * * When our time to breastfeed finally did arrive, I felt the sharp bite of hard gums and the desperate suck of a hungry baby, a sensation both painful and beautiful, and yes, I cried. But just because my son took well to the boob those first few times doesn’t mean it was perfect from there. To start with, like most new moms, I wasn’t making enough milk to properly nourish my child while breastfeeding. The doctors in the NICU told me point blank: You can continue to pump and nurse him here, but he will have to stay on IV fluids — and stay longer. Or, they said, you can supplement his diet with formula and he should be fine in five days. After a labor that completely derailed from my original delivery plan, I didn’t want to change my decision to feed my child only breast milk. I didn’t want the guilt of feeling like the worst mother ever for giving my kid formula. But the need to have my son strong and home won out. When baby Gunnar was discharged five days later healthy and full, I realized it was worth it. * * * There are many reasons why breastfeeding is widely promoted. Breast milk has all the nutrients and antibodies your child needs, it’s the perfect temperature, it’s conveniently right there all the time, and hey, it’s free. But I’ve come to believe that formula is a good supplement or substitute when circumstances require it, especially when it means mom and baby are happier, healthier, or less stressed as a result. Huge developments have been made in the world of formula, and I feel there is nothing wrong with giving it to your baby. There are all sorts of reasons moms end up going this route: issues with milk production, babies unable to latch on, the return to the workplace, or physical and emotional discomfort. One friend of mine said she was so anxious about breastfeeding that it affected bonding with her son. After a few months she decided formula would have to do, for the sake of her child and her own mental health. And guess what? At two years old, her son is perfectly fine. * * * As for me, I figured breastfeeding would be simple and exactly as portrayed in movies, on the street, and in cafes. Easy, right? You just cuddle that little bundle of joy to your bosom and allow him to suck until satisfied. Sure, but what if he keeps falling asleep at say, 1 a.m., while feeding? Every time you try and take him away from the boob, he wakes up and wants more. In the end, I wasn’t sleeping and I had a nagging feeling my son wasn’t getting enough milk, a fear unfounded but none the less real. When you have to feed your newborn every two to three hours, it quickly becomes the biggest deal in your life. As a food writer who has spent most of her time thinking about eating, having someone else’s insatiable hunger as the focus of my every waking hour threw me for a loop. Feeding a baby is completely different than feeding myself, and frankly, not nearly as fun. After a week, I felt like I was losing my mind. I honestly didn’t know how other women did it, but I knew something needed to change, which is why I started bottle-feeding expressed milk at night. The time- and stress-saver helped tremendously and gave me energy in the morning to really cherish nursing. Plus, it allowed my son’s dad to enjoy baby’s mealtime as well. However a mother ends up feeding her child those first few weeks is up to her. Guilt or societal norms shouldn’t influence the decision. The real trick if you’re a new mom is to listen to your body and your baby. * * * Tips for breastfeeding mothers: 1. Don’t expect your newborn to latch on perfectly the first few weeks. If you need help, take advantage of the lactation consultants in the maternity war while you are in the hospital. If you need more help once you are home, contact your local Le Leche League. 2. Herbal supplements and teas can boost milk production (plus the ritual of making and drinking tea helps you relax, which in turn aids lactation). Most of the available products are herbal blends that include fennel, blessed thistle, and fenugreek, which, be warned, can cause gas in some mothers and babies. Good products to try include Traditional Medicinals’ Mother’s Milk tea, Motherlove’s More Milk Plus capsules or tincture, and Yogi’s Woman’s Nursing Support tea. 3. Make sure you are as comfortable or as cozy as you can be. I had a C-section and found the Brest Friend pillow really helped with nursing the baby over the incision. 4. Drink lots of water, approximately 16 cups a day. To help make sure I’m getting enough, I actually keep a tally. Even if you feel like you are consuming enough, you might be surprised. Hitting the 16-cup mark isn’t easy. 5. Eat a lot of good food. Though it’s hard to feed yourself, especially right after having a baby, eating is super important. Breastfeeding burns up to 500 calories a day, so you really need the nutrients to keep you going and to produce more milk. 6. Don’t be afraid to go out. If you’re at a restaurant, coffee shop, or café, try and get seated at a corner table. It’s more discreet and if you don’t like using a feeding cover, you will only be flashing your tablemates. It also helps to let the server or host know you plan on breastfeeding. That way they can stop by at more convenient times and get you the most private table possible, if that’s what you want. https://www.yahoo.com/food/new-mothers-anguish-when-breastfeeding-isnt-114409996806.html

10 Ways to Declutter your Life by Gina Luker

10 ways to declutter your day - easy time managment tips from a busy momIn all of that rearranging and time management, I learned the essentials that became 10 ways to declutter your day. 1) Pull the plug on computer time. When I began carefully watching where my day was going, I realized I would easily waste six hours a day online. I tried to trick myself into believing that I was working, but hanging out on Facebook chatting with friends isn’t really working. So I decided to try something new: I plug up my laptop at night, then only use one full battery’s worth a day. My battery lasts about two hours, so I get two hours a day to do all my work that has to be done on the computer. I found SO much more time with this one thing I could have stopped there. (This didn’t apply to my book writing time, however I did unplug my wi-fi during writing hours to eliminate distractions.) 10 ways to declutter your day

2) Find the main drain. I am a phone talker – and I always have been. Since I have very few local friends, I keep in touch with all of my friends who are scattered all over the country by talking to them on the phone. One day I realized I had caught up with all of my buddies, but hadn’t accomplished anything other than wasting an entire day on the phone. Now I allow myself one long conversation a day. Other than that, I have 15 minutes to get on and off a call – but I try to do most of my communicating through texts when possible. Now I keep up with my friends, and have plenty of time to enjoy the conversations because I’m not bombarded by them. Your vice may not be talking on the phone… it might be Candy Crush, or online shopping, or perfecting your disco dance moves. Whatever the major time drain is, find it and tame that beast. I’m not saying to eliminate it, just tone it down (in my very best Ross Gellar voice.)

3) Set iPhone reminders for everything. From twice daily “reboot the laundry” to “go for a walk” – everything that needs a daily nudge goes into my phone. No more forgetting if my phone lets me know! It was easy to wander around trying to think of what to do, now I know what needs to be done and just do it. 10 Ways to Declutter Your Day 4) Get my sweat on. I know it may seem counter-productive to add something new in, but I find once I’ve walked for only 20 minutes, my mind is clearer and I seem to have more energy to tackle the things that need to be accomplished each day. 5) Run all errands one day a week. Most weeks I only leave my house one day a week. I know, I’m a hermit. Partially it’s because I want to hide from the world, but when it takes over an hour just to drive to town and back, I can save a ton of time just grouping things into one major trip and be done with it. That’s it. If I forget something, both my husband and daughter drive by multiple stores daily, so it’s not a big deal. I pay most of my bills online (like most of the world these days), and I grocery/supply shop all on one day. Saves gas, saves money, saves time. Triple win – yay!

6) Keep a calendar. Writing down appointments, school functions, party/shower invites, everything all in one place, helps me to know what day to run those errands. If I can work it around other things, it makes my life easier. If I have nothing on the calendar that week (because we don’t do sports, etc.) means I can choose my day depending on the weather or whatever needs to dictate my schedule. 7) Plan a menu. Each week I plan out my menu and do all my shopping so that I’m prepared to feed my family without standing in the kitchen wondering what in the world to do. When I have a plan, my life seems to go easier. Spending those 30 minutes once a week to plan my menu and shopping list helps me get in and out of the grocery store in no time, saving me even more time.

8) Get organized. I cannot even begin to explain how much of my life I have spent looking for lost items. Way too much. This past summer I got myself organized – totally, completely, thoroughly organized. Best decision ever. Now I know where stuff is, I’m not spending mass amounts of time cleaning/organizing/decluttering stuff I don’t need. It transforms your life in more ways than you will ever understand until you actually do it. 9) Clean 20 minutes, daily. Getting organized brought to light a fairly new habit at our house – gimme 20 minutes. Every day when my girls get home from school we crank up the music and clean for 20 minutes. You’d be amazed at how clean you can keep a house in only 20 minutes a day. No more days full of cleaning – no more yelling at them to pick up their things. And the music helps to make it fun. If we spend those 20 minutes cleaning, then we have the rest of the afternoon (or day) to spend together doing things we enjoy. And bonus – most days we’re done in less than 15 minutes!

5)Schedule in down time. Every day I read a book - I allow myself plenty of time to let my mind chill out, stop thinking so hard, and just relax. Usually I do it at night, but if I'm seriously stressed I will do it in the middle of the day. Some days I even use the time to take a nap or catch up on my favorite shows on DVR. Whatever it is, taking time to relax makes me better all the way around. 10)Schedule in down time. Every day I read a book – I allow myself plenty of time to let my mind chill out, stop thinking so hard, and just relax. Usually I do it at night, but if I’m seriously stressed I will do it in the middle of the day. Some days I even use the time to take a nap or catch up on my favorite shows on DVR. Whatever it is, taking time to relax makes me better all the way around. What’s your best time management tip? I’m always looking for more ways to declutter my day. http://www.theshabbycreekcottage.com/2013/10/time-management.html

Poor children seem to fare better in poor neighbourhoods - the paradox of the ghetto

The paradox of the ghetto Unnervingly, poor children seem to fare better in poor neighbourho THE poorest people in Leicester by a wide margin are the Somalis who live in the St Matthews housing estate. Refugees from civil war, who often passed through Sweden or the Netherlands before fetching up in the English Midlands, they endure peeling surroundings and appalling joblessness. At the last census the local unemployment rate was three times the national average. But Abdikayf Farah, who runs a local charity, is oddly upbeat. Just look at the children, he says. Close to Mr Farah’s office is Taylor Road Primary School—which, it turns out, trumps almost every school in Leicester in standardised tests. Its headmaster, Chris Hassall, credits the Somali immigrants, who insist that their children turn up for extra lessons at weekends and harry him when they seem to fall behind. Education is their ticket out of poverty. Poor district, wonderful school, well-ordered children: in Britain, the combination is not as unusual as one might suppose.

Britain has prized the ideal of economically mixed neighbourhoods since the 19th century. Poverty and disadvantage are intensified when poor people cluster, runs the argument; conversely, the rich are unfairly helped when they are surrounded by other rich people. Social mixing ought to help the poor. It sounds self-evident—and colours planning regulations that ensure much social and affordable housing is dotted among more expensive private homes. Yet “there is absolutely no serious evidence to support this,” says Paul Cheshire, a professor of economic geography at the London School of Economics (LSE). And there is new evidence to suggest it is wrong. Researchers at Duke University in America followed over 1,600 children from age five to age 12 in England and Wales. They found that poor boys living in largely well-to-do neighbourhoods were the most likely to engage in anti-social behaviour, from lying and swearing to such petty misdemeanours as fighting, shoplifting and vandalism, according to a commonly used measure of problem behaviour. Misbehaviour starts very young (see chart 1) and intensifies as they grow older. Poor boys in the poorest neighbourhoods were the least likely to run into trouble. For rich kids, the opposite is true: those living in poor areas are more likely to misbehave.

The researchers suggest several reasons for this. Poorer areas are often heavily policed, deterring would-be miscreants; it may be that people in wealthy places are less likely to spot misbehaviour, too. Living alongside the rich may also make the poor more keenly aware of their own deprivation, suggests Tim Newburn, a criminologist who is also at the LSE. That, in turn, increases the feelings of alienation that are associated with anti-social conduct and criminal behaviour. Research on England’s schools turns up a slightly different pattern. Children entitled to free school meals—a proxy for poverty—do best in schools containing very few other poor children, perhaps because teachers can give them plenty of attention. But, revealingly, poor children also fare unusually well in schools where there are a huge number of other poor children. That may be because schools have no choice but to focus on them. Thus in Tower Hamlets, a deprived east London borough, 60% of poor pupils got five good GCSEs (the exams taken at 16) in 2013; the national average was 38%. Worst served are pupils who fall in between, attending schools where they are insufficiently numerous to merit attention but too many to succeed alone (see chart 2).

Mr Cheshire reckons that America, too, provides evidence of the limited benefits of social mixing. Look, he says, at the Moving to Opportunity programme, started in the 1990s, through which some poor people received both counselling and vouchers to move to richer neighbourhoods. Others got financial help to move as they wished, but no counselling. A third group received nothing. Studies after 10-15 years suggested that the incomes and employment prospects of those who moved to richer areas had not improved. Boys who moved showed worse behaviour and were more likely to be arrested for property crime. In Britain, this pattern might be partly explained by the existence of poor immigrant neighbourhoods such as St Matthews in Leicester. The people who live in such ghettos are poor in means, because they cannot speak English and lack the kind of social networks that lead to jobs, but not poor in aspiration. They channel their ambitions through their children.

Another probable explanation lies in the way that the British government hands out money. Education funding is doled out centrally, and children in the most indigent parts tend to get the most cash. Schools in Tower Hamlets receive £7,014 ($10,610) a year for each child, for example, compared with the English average of £4,675. Secondary schools also get £935 for each poor child thanks to the “pupil premium” introduced by the coalition government. Meanwhile Teach First sends top graduates into poor schools. In America, by contrast, much school funding comes from local property taxes, so those in impoverished areas lose out. As the Duke University researchers are keen to point out, all this does not in itself prove that economically mixed neighbourhoods are a bad thing. They may be good in other ways—making politicians more moderate, for example. But the research does suggest that the benefits of such districts are far from straightforward. Patterns of social segregation reflect broader social inequality, argues Mr Cheshire, who has written a book about urban economics and policy. Where mixed neighbourhoods flourish, house prices rise, overwhelmingly benefiting the rich. Spending more money on schools in deprived areas and dispatching the best teachers there would do more to help poor children. Assuming that a life among wealthy neighbours will improve their lot is too complacent. http://www.economist.com/news/britain/21641283-unnervingly-poor-children-seem-fare-better-poor-neighbourhoods-paradox-ghetto

Charities aim to get disabled children playing by Emma Tracey

Parents of disabled children say finding fun things for them to do is a full-time job. Could a new TripAdvisor-style site solve this? "We went as a family to a water park which has a klaxon which goes off to let you know the wave machine is about to start," says Alexa Wilson. It wouldn't cause problems for most families but her children, Ellie 13 and Toby ten, both have Fragile X syndrome - a form of autism which comes with learning disabilities. Ellie doesn't like unexpected loud noises and, when the klaxon sounded she got up and ran out and refused to return. "This is just one more place we now can't visit," says Wilson. "Had we known about the klaxon, we could have warned her." It's this sort of extra detail that SENDirect hopes to provide. It's a new review website aimed at families with children who have Special Educational Needs or Disabilities (SEND).

Stan Palmer is 12 and has Down's syndrome. His dad, Steve, says most activities don't advertise that they're inclusive, even if they are, which creates uncertainty. He says more effort needs to go into making it obvious so that parents can make the right choices. "If we just turned up at a mainstream rugby class with Stan, it just wouldn't work because he needs extra attention," he says. "Or if he was typically developing he might say 'I'm going to paint a picture now', but we have to help and guide him into play." Palmer currently finds out about inclusive leisure activities for his son in a "very ad hoc" manner via other parents of SEND children, or on social media.

Stan's dad Steve says it's difficult to find suitable activities for him According to the consortium of nine charities behind the new website, Palmer is not alone. Useful information about inclusive family activities and many other important services is scarce. In a recent survey by the consortium, three-quarters of families said they have difficulty finding information about what services are available to them. "We developed SENDirect in response to families telling us that finding vital local services for any child with additional needs is over-complicated, confusing and choice is severely limited," says Jolanta Lasota, chair of the consortium. Stan's dad says he needs extra attention when playing The new website allows visitors to search by postcode, price range and age suitability, for everything from health services, to specialist equipment, to childcare. Family activities come under the category "fun stuff".

For Wilson it is important that her children get to as many leisure activities as possible. "Life skills and social skills are more important for Ellie and Toby than straight-forward education," she says, "because building up friendships and social skills is what is going to help them survive when we're not around to look after them." Functional services have traditionally been prioritised for disabled people but Lasota says that being able to find and use leisure resources might reduce a need to use other expensive specialist services - such as mental illness facilities. "We know that isolation leads to mental health difficulties and therefore those people would need more access to mental health services," she says. "What we're trying to do is break down that isolation, so that families are included in their communities and don't feel so alone." Hundreds of parents were involved in the development of SENDirect. They helped decide what sort of information they would find useful when researching services. Users can rate each service based on their experience, which will then be visible for all to read. This is something Wilson welcomes so she can do her homework and avoid failure. "It's taken trial and error to find out which cinemas and theatres are right for Ellie." She says lots of "fun things" have an accessibility statement but usually this just means access for wheelchair-users. "They don't really think about people with learning disabilities," she says. Wilson says that if she heard about a cinema that has a more tolerant attitude to a little noise then she would go there. She observes that if parents are less anxious then in turn their children will be more relaxed too. "We have had bad experiences in theatres where staff were unhelpful to the point of rudeness," she says.

Sixteen-year-old Shane Goncalves has cerebral palsy, is blind and has a severe learning disability. His mum, Sam Bergin-Goncalves, wants nothing more than for her son to reach his full potential, be independent and live a life with rich and varied experiences - as any parent would want. She has an interesting thought on how sharing information like this can lead to even more positive collaborations. She says she's hoping that SENDirect will give her family the ability to link up with others to pool money from their personal budgets - funding given to them by social services - and widen the opportunities available. "It would be good to approach providers with ideas for activities that my son and his friends would like to do," she says. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/blogs-ouch-30923074

6 Reasons to love Wooden Toys by ChicDeco

H ello mums! We all love handmade wooden toys! They come in all sort of traditional and modern designs and are many child's favourite. There are many reasons to love wooden toys, here are some of the most important ones: ***** Caring about the environment Wooden toys are made from natural and recycle materials and finished with non-toxic paints, natural oils or beeswax while plastic toys are often made in factories through chemical processes and with non-biodegradable materials. ***** Creating a calm play time Natural wooden toys create a quiet, calm environment at home, while battery-operated plastic toys can be noisy and overstimulating as they talk, flash, move, etc. ***** Keeping kids safe and healthy Wooden toys has no batteries or small plastic pieces that can be very harmful (or even fatal) if they are accidentally swallowed. There are no chemicals or toxic materials in them. ***** Developing Skills While modern high tech toys are designed to amuse and distract children, wooden toys tend to inspire creative and imaginative play. They help kids develop motor, cognitive and problem-solving skills. ***** Generations of fun Wooden toys are longer lasting toys and they can be kept for younger siblings or even future generations. ***** Made with love Wooden toys are made by the wonderful hands of artisans and craftsmen and are available in a variety of beautiful designs that not only will amuse and develop skills but will be also a great decoration element in any child's room. Sarah and Bendrix WOODEN TOY GIFT BOX

Labour's "Manifesto for Women"- 9 million women did not vote in last election by Andrew Grice

Labour will target the nine million women who did not vote at the last general election after new figures showed that more women than men have turned their backs on politics. Research by the House of Commons Library found that 9.1 million women did not vote in 2010 compared to 8 million men, and that the “turnout gap” between the sexes is growing. At the 1992 election, a higher proportion of women (78.2 per cent) voted than men (77.2 per cent). But in 2005, turnout among men exceeded women and the trend continued in 2010, when 67 per cent of men and 64 per cent of women voted. Turnout among men dropped by 14 per cent between the 1992 and 2010 elections, and by 18 per cent among women. The Commons Library, which analysed statistics compiled by academics for the British Election Study, said the number of women not voting had risen by 79 per cent since 1992, while the number of “missing” men had increased by 65 per cent. Harriet Harman, Labour’s deputy leader, who commissioned the Commons Library report, told The Independent: “There has been a lot of talk about Ukip or the SNP holding the balance of power after the May election. It is the women who did not vote last time who hold the balance power. They will decide who becomes prime minister.” She disclosed that Labour will publish a separate “manifesto for women”. It will include: childcare, help for older women who have to work until they are older as well as juggling childcare duties as grandparents, domestic violence, equal pay, and women’s representation in areas such as public life and business. Some opinion polls give Labour a bigger lead among women than men, so persuading more women to vote could make a difference in a close election. Ms Harman said: “There is a general disaffection with politics. You are even less likely as a woman to see politics as the solution to your problems. Most women see politics as a men-only zone.” She added: “The growing trend for people not to vote is worrying for our democracy. But it is striking that the fall in voting is even greater among women than among men. These are the missing millions of women who will be the focus of Labour’s campaign. We will bring politics to the school gate and the shopping centre as well as offices and factories. This election will be a watershed for women in this country.”

Encourage creativity in children - art and craft alternative to TV and video

Do the children in your care complain of boredom yet watch endless TV and films?

For children aged 6 to 12 years. detailed follow by picture instruction book is included. There are four 15 x 21 cm images printed on thick card with 12 pots of coloured sand to complete the pictures. A special tool is used to peel away protective paper from numbered areas. The kit includes 12 colours of sand in individual containers. The kits are designed to be done in their boxes. Each box has a small hole in a corner for excess sand to be funnelled back into the containers. The process is easy to do to get consistently good results. Place the desired activity piece in the box. Use the peeling tool to peel off the first location for the sand. Take the coloured sand for that location and gently tap enough to cover the location on the activity piece. Tilt and tap the box to move excess sand to the bottom of the box. Position the sand container for that colour near the hole and tap the sand to the hole and into the container.Product Dimensions (inches): 6.5 (L) x 9 (W) x 1.5 (H) http://astore.amazon.co.uk/gillsonlinegems-21

Double Whammy - Single and Childless by Jodie Day of Gateway Women

(We don't often hear) about the many women suffering in silence with a type of infertility so shameful they can hardly bear to talk about it. It’s called ‘social infertility’ and it’s affecting a huge number of women in their 30s and 40s in the UK. ‘Social infertility’ refers to those women who are single, childless and unable to find a partner to have children with whilst it is still possible. 1:5 women in the UK born in the 1960s has turned 45 without having had a child – some by choice but many by circumstance, this is double what it was a generation ago. Although not having a partner features in many of the stories of those of us born in the 1960s (like myself), it doesn’t compare to the frequency with which those born in the 1970s seem to be experiencing it. The UK Office for National Statistics has a fairly blunt recording tool – live births by the age of 45 – so it won’t be for another 11 years that we’ll have the full data. However, amongst those women joining the private online GW Community born in the 1970s, it seems that social infertility is increasingly prevalent.

The private and personal pain of being both single and childless is so extreme that within the GW Online Community we have a special name for it – ‘DoubleWhammy’. The fact of having never been married or in the kind of long-term partnership in which the opportunity to try for a baby arose, seems to be a double discounting of femininity. Often women in this situation don’t even want to share their stories because they don’t feel ‘entitled’ to their pain, grief and despair compared to those women who’ve suffered miscarriages, failed to conceive or who have experienced unsuccessful IVF. There is sometimes a sense of deep unworthiness, of being right at the bottom of some invisible pecking order of childless women and not quite ‘full members’ of the childless club, and so therefore not quite due their share of understanding, support and empathy. DoubleWhammy seems to be a black hole of shame, sucking women into a silent vacuum of excruciating grief and self-condemnation. It’s as if all the promises of equality and feminism are vanquished by the impending event horizon of being both single and childless. Of not being ‘chosen’ for either partnership or motherhood.

In my book, Rocking the Life Unexpected, I explore the new ‘spinster’ stereotype: Whereas just a generation ago, being an unmarried mother was to be the social outcast, now it’s the single, childless woman over 40 who carries the weight of shame. Yet, for some women this is not a situation they chose, but rather one that they’ve ended up in because they’ve made intelligent, honourable choices and behaved with decency and morality towards others. Many of them have cared for vulnerable family members through their fertile years, have refrained from getting pregnant ‘accidentally’ without a partner’s consent and have worked hard as members of their families, workplaces and communities and have contributed to society as taxpayers. I know some of these ‘spinsters’ personally and have met many others through Gateway Women, and a wonderfully kind, funny, attractive and diverse bunch they are. But having been made the scapegoat for some of the unexpected consequences of the huge social changes of the last 45 years, many of them seem to bear their situation as a mark of personal failure – and until they join GW, nobody seems to have ever helped them out by explaining that it’s not their fault. Just as with medical infertility, everyone is free with advice, but there’s very little genuine empathy:

1.Have you tried internet dating? (Erm, I’ve been on three different sites for five years and have been ‘dating’ weekly… of course I’ve tried it!)

2.You can’t give up now! It’s a numbers game… you’re bound to meet someone soon! (Do you have any idea how soul destroying it is to be treated like a number? You met your partner at work, got to know each other, fell in love and have been together ever since. Don’t tell me about ‘giving up’. You couldn’t last a week of the humiliation I’ve been dealing with for the last five years!)

3.But I don’t understand why you’re single? You’re lovely! (I know you think you’re helping, but you’re just making me feel helpless. I have a job, my own home, my own teeth, speak 3 languages including emotional intelligence and have worked so hard on my ‘issues’ that I’m the most ‘developed’ person you’re ever likely to meet. But none it makes me 33 again and I’ve now found out that it’s the only number that really matters in the dating game at this stage.)

4.Don’t worry – you’ve got plenty of time. I read about this woman the other day who had a baby in her fifties! (Why the f*** do you think that’s what I’m hoping for? Another ten or fifteen years of hell followed by having a baby on my own when you’ll be having grandchildren!)

5.Well, I guess you always were more of a career woman… (No I’m not! I’m a woman with a job, not a career woman! We used to work together, remember? And just because you got married and I didn’t suddenly I’m a ‘career woman’ like it was some kind of choice?!)

6.But there’s no rush… why are you so worried? Just chill out. You mustn’t get bitter. You’re not going to find anyone if you’re bitter. It’s not that bad anyway… you’ve got so much freedom! Enjoy it! (How would you have ANY IDEA what it’s like to be the joke of the century, the misfit, the problem daughter, the maiden aunt, the spinster? To sit at home weekend after weekend watching all your ‘old’ friends on Facebook meet up for family holidays together? To dread Christmas, birthdays and New Year as yet another year marking your failure to progress to the next stage of life? You have no idea what it takes to cope with all my ‘freedom’ – which 75% of the time is actually crushing loneliness and alienation. You’ve just been added to my list of friends that it’s impossible for me to spend time with right now!)

It can be hard too, for concerned parents and coupled-up friends to understand that the dating scene around the age of 40 is not ‘fun’. It’s a brutal, Darwinian fight for the right to reproduce and once a woman is over 35, the numbers are stacked against her both by biology and social selection. Think about it, if you were a single man in your forties looking to ‘settle down’, would you choose to date women your own age who may already be unable to conceive naturally (or at all) or would you set your ‘age criteria’ box on your dating selection to meet women several years younger than that? Friends and family tell their single friends to just ‘get out there’ and suggest ever more and more bizarre (and undignified) suggestions of how to meet a partner (things that they would never dream of doing) without realising that they’ve tried it all. And frankly there’s only so many knocks a normal, healthy ego can take before it needs to call time-out for a while to regroup. And time is the one thing that’s in short supply.

For me, once I accepted that I was never going to be a mother, I lost interest in dating for a few years. I realised how babymania had been what sustained me through the endless hope/despair cycle of internet dating and once that was gone, so was my appetite for internet dating. I dipped my toe back in the water early this year for a few months but I was relieved when my ‘three month trial’ was up. I did meet a couple of interesting men but one was too ready and one not ready enough and well, that was that. As someone who works for herself and runs a women’s organisation, my life is pretty testosterone free and very nice that is too! The great thing about being out the other side of my grief and rocking my Plan B is that there’s no hurry anymore. Because even if I remain single till the day I die, life looks wonderfully rich and full from here. I’ve found my mojo, and she’s very good company!

If I had known that it were possible to feel like this, that not becoming a mother were something that I could get through and recover from, it would have made a huge difference. But there were no role models in the culture – only stories of women so desperate that they were still trying to have babies in their 50’s and beyond. A full and meaningful life as a woman who wanted children and it didn’t work out? Non-existent. Which is one of the reasons that I now curate a Gallery of Childless & Childfree Role Models on Pinterest.

The ticking clock of babymania feels more like a bomb when you’re living through it as a DoubleWhammy. You’ve heard every piece of advice, countless times. You’ve even tried some of the stuff you thought you’d never do. Now, astonishingly peohttp://gateway-women.com/doublewhammy-single-childless/ple are suggesting you ‘do it on your own’ as if it were an ambitious DIY project that you just need to pluck up the nerve for. Single-motherhood, unless you’re very well set up with a home, an income and solid support from friends and family can be one-way ticket to depression, isolation and poverty. And without those things in place, you’re also ineligible to adopt or foster, although that doesn’t stop everyone suggesting it, like it’s never occurred to us!

To be 40, broody, single and childless is to be in a great deal of pain and be faced with a series of rock-and-a-hard-place choices. Alone. DoubleWhammy doesn’t show up in fertility statistics except as a negative space. Spare a thought for what it’s like to live in that negative space. And whatever piece of brilliant advice it is that you think you’ve got for your single friend, your daughter, your sister or your colleague – just don’t. Only for this week if that’s all you can manage, but preferably never again. We know you’re only trying to help, we know you mean well. But please stop and actually start treating us like grown-up women again, not an embarrassing problem to be fixed.

If you are someone who wants or wanted to be a mother and it isn’t or didn’t work out (for whatever reason) please come and join us in the free, private, global, Gateway Women Online Community. It’s a fatuous-advice free zone. http://gateway-women.com/doublewhammy-single-childless/

When childless isn't a choice by Sangita Myska BBC News

Can you ever truly come to terms with desperately wanting a child, but never having one? It's a simple question that is deceptively difficult to answer. It's one my husband and I have asked ourselves, as we've struggled to start a family of our own. And we are far from alone. It's thought one in four women born in the 1970s will reach 45 without giving birth. For those born in the 1960s that figure is already running at one in five. The vast majority are childless through circumstance, rather than choice.

Theatre executive Jessica Hepburn is 43 and has been trying to have a baby for nine years with her partner, Peter. "It's like a bruise," says Jessica about the emotional impact of failing to have a biological child, "whenever you press it, it hurts. I often wonder what our kids would have looked like - Peter's hair, my eyes? I always imagined motherhood would be part of my life. Creating a child with the person you love - it's a very natural, strong desire for me." It's one Jody Day, who began trying for a baby with her husband when she was 29, also felt. "At the time, I dedicated everything to having a family. At no point did the idea that it wouldn't happen, come to me." Now aged 49, she says time has helped her cope with the grief of not conceiving. "People come to me and they say, can you get over childlessness? And I say, it's not the flu - it's a lifelong thing. I am happy now, but, not having children broke my heart. No doubt about it, it broke my heart." The stress of trying and failing to have a child led Jody into a bout of depression. "There was one day that I lay on the floor of my flat and thought, I will stand up when I can think of a compelling reason to do so. I kept asking myself 'what is the point of my existence?' I had to go very deep to find a reason to carry on."

Jessica Hepburn Jessica Hepburn has had 11 rounds of IVF Jessica, whose infertility is unexplained, chose to undergo 11 rounds of gruelling IVF treatment, at a cost of £70,000. She has only recently paid off the debt. She chose not to tell her friends and family everything she was going through, including a life threatening ectopic pregnancy and several miscarriages. "I kept it absolutely away from my colleagues and I would go and have egg collection very early in the morning and be back at my desk by 10am. My ectopic pregnancy was discovered at three months and even though I was rushed to hospital, no one knew the full story. I also had a miscarriage at nine weeks and several biochemical pregnancies, which are very early miscarriages, and then of course a few unsuccessful rounds of IVF as well. Because we always felt so close, I couldn't give up." Jessica says that along with the disappointment, she also felt ashamed about what was happening to her. "I think shame is a massive factor in not being able to have a child - feeling just so desperately that you want to be like everybody else, but somehow you're not, and feeling ashamed that you can't do what everybody else does. You're hiding the fact that you're disappointed that your life hasn't worked out how you hoped." For women like Jessica, coping with a sense of loss can, albeit unwittingly, be made worse by the reaction of others - inviting the empathy while eschewing pity, there's a difficult balance to strike and it has the potential to strain close relationships.

Jody Day Jody Day founded Gateway Women for childless women Jody Day's marriage eventually broke down and by the time she had recovered from depression she realised her circle of friends - who'd got pregnant with ease - had moved in another direction. "My contemporaries were all having children. I think that's when it started to get difficult. Because I realised that I had become a sort of social pariah as a single childless woman. "And it was a dawning realisation that I just wasn't getting invited anywhere anymore. Our lives had taken very different paths. It's very hard to accept that. There's so much unspoken stuff here. It's a taboo to talk about it. And I think it's really, really hard to admit." Embedded in the English language are a plethora of offensive labels: Barren, selfish, spinster, career woman (we never use career man). After her divorce Jody dated other men, but by 43 she experienced early menopause. She says it was that biological change that helped her to come to terms with her childlessness, "I've done the journey of wanting to be a mother. I've come out the other side of it. I'm post-menopausal now and goddess oestrogen has left the building. I don't crave a baby any more - that part of my life is over."

The age of mothers has been rising since 1975 in England and Wales, according to the ONS Possible factors mentioned by the ONS include: increasing importance of a career, instability of partnerships and labour market uncertainty Fertility rate for women aged 40 or over has nearly trebled since 1991 The average age of a mother in England and Wales was 30.0 years old in 2013. In Scotland the latest figure was 29.7 and in Northern Ireland it was 30.1, both for 2012 Reaching this point has given Jody a sense of freedom, and the time to carve out a new identity. She has three masters degrees and is training to be a counsellor - specialising in adolescent and child psychology. Yet she still meets people who struggle to know how to react to her situation. ''Often people get focused on the idea that we've chosen this in some way or that we just haven't done the right thing - and get stuck for what to say. "The very first time was when I was still married and still trying to conceive. I was at a cocktail party when a woman comes over to me and says, 'so you know, if you don't manage to get pregnant, would you consider adopting?' And I was just taken aback and I replied 'No... I... I don't think so'. We were suddenly in this incredibly intimate conversation, without warning, and she looked at me and said 'but then you obviously don't really want children then' and walked off. " In her chatroom, Jody says, women describe these all too frequent - and entirely inappropriate - reactions as "bingos".

Paula Coston 'All the childless women I know feel very self-conscious about it,' says Paula Coston The suggestion that people who fail to have biological children should automatically choose adoption as a substitute is at best unthinking and at worst reckless. Experts often advise that parenting adopted children is a rewarding and sometimes challenging experience that potential adopters should think about carefully and commit to fully. The process is rigorous and emotionally challenging and is a unique path to parenthood in its own right. Novelist Paula Coston, 59, had a high-flying career in publishing, when offices still resembled an episode of Mad Men. Her life brimmed with glamorous parties and exotic travel - but not the right man with whom to start a family. She's now experiencing the isolation that Jody describes, a second time around. "My friends are at that stage now where their children are about to have a child or certainly thinking about it and so I'm bracing myself for this new sort of wave of the experience to come over me really." Her life is busy with work, family and friends, but she worries that the difficult emotions she dealt with years ago may bubble up again. "I have a feeling that I will feel yet more distance from the people I know who are becoming grandparents. I will not only not be able to relate to them as parents but I will not be able to relate to them as grandparents either. I will be aware, I think, that there's a bit more distance between me and that whole side of family life." As a single, childless, older woman, in some ways Paula gets a particularly raw deal - sidelined for failing to snag a partner, failing to have children and then daring to age. Paula argues that, society as a whole, tends to neglect childless women - and to its cost. "As a group we are increasingly cut off and underused," says Paula. "Where are the mentoring schemes, how can we hand down our skills, why aren't our opinions about children's futures taken into consideration? "We have great life experience and empathy that could really benefit others. I know I'd love to pass on my skills." Subscribe to the BBC News Magazine's email newsletter to get articles sent to your inbox. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-28785054