10 Character Flaws That can Derail People by Dr Tom Brunner

Good people can become great, but usually they don’t. Part of the problem is good people are often unaware of how close they are to becoming great. What do I mean? The termination of only a few traits/habits/preferences is often enough to move someone much closer to “greatness”. This can mean greatness overall or in terms of some specific sport or skill. Want proof? Think about three friends or colleagues you know very well, and with each person imagine they no longer exhibited three traits that you know people around them commonly agree are their most annoying personality “thorns”. Then, imagine those three people no longer had their three “personality thorns”. How much closer would those three be to being great instead of just being good or average? I am betting a LOT closer. * * * * * Sports psychologists often help athletes change only 1 or 2 thought or behavior patterns, and that brings greatness. Chew on this: A very small percentage of a person’s psychological makeup (say, 2% of their total set of personal traits/preferences/habits) can undermine the other 98% of their makeup that is healthy and positive. A trainload of healthy habits can be derailed by a few bad habits. Think about it: How many times have you said to yourself, “I really like X except they are so…” and ended your statement by naming one trait/habit/preference only? That ONE trait was a blockade to you forming a deeper, more trusting, longer term relationships with them. That ONE trait is also likely what I call a “derailer” – a major reason they are not promoted, are not a better parents, friends, etc. etc. * * * * * Look in the mirror. Do you recognize the value of insightfully managing your thorns? If not, you are likely derailed and you do not even know it. Studies have shown that even supposedly mature organizational leaders often fail to lead because they have personality thorns that they defensively protect, leading to truly catastrophic consequences. Personality derailers are not simply annoying traits, but often kill your ability to grow, relate, or at work be promoted or lead a team. Good news. We behavioral science experts are learning which personality thorns are particularly likely to derail someone. Advanced behavioral science assessment tools are providing 360 degree x-rays into personality and character for children, parents, athletes, and business people.

The following are 10 derailers that seem to not just irritate others, but stifle the personal and professional maturity process. Whatever age or role in life you are serving, take heed: * * * * * 1. Enviousness You are not truly happy for others success, and you work too hard to “keep up” with others on a material level.

2. Defensiveness Defensiveness toward being corrected or criticized. Generally hypersensitive people don’t mature, they just grow

3. Aloofness If you come off as cold/distant, you will not be trusted or influential.

4. Volatility Overly emotional people are attention hogs, and focus on themselves, not on the reality around them.

5. Eccentricity Eccentrics are funny in the moment, but when building a team may lack the ability tone down their eccentricity to build rapport. Deeper relationships are absent.

6. Entitlement You believe you deserve everything you want. A rampant epidemic attitude in our society.

7. Unreliable Character You are unpredictable, and not trusted or confided in.

8. Eagerness to Please You are more of a pleaser than an honest communicator. But your displeasure with things builds up and explodes at times.

9. Morally Scrupulous You find fault with even small misbehavior. No one meets every one of your rules. Your best friend is yourself.

10. Making Destructive Comments Needless sarcasm and cutting remarks erode any rapport you may have built up. Your relationships never “run deeper”.

This is not a complete list, and if you want to know what your derailers are, you or your child can undergo a 360 degree evaluation which comprehensively yet concisely assesses your personality. For more information you may want to check out the following credible books, which are as applicable to parents (who can cultivate a child away from these tendencies early on) as they are to business clients/athletes: What Got You Here Won’t Get You There, by Marshall Goldsmith (New York Times Bestseller) & Why CEO’s Fail, By David Dotlich & Peter Cairo Please feel free to forward this blog to anyone who might benefit. - See more at: http://www.doctorbrunner.com/10-character-flaws-that-can-derail-even-good-people/#sthash.vMFPHgVD.dpuf http://www.doctorbrunner.com/10-character-flaws-that-can-derail-even-good-people/

Why Living in a Smaller Home can help you raise a Happy Kid by Brett Graff

In her new book, Not Buying It: Stop Overspending and Start Raising Happier, Healthier, More Successful Kids, Brett Graff, a former economist and now a nationally known personal finance and parenting expert, breaks down the myths around money and child-rearing. In this adapted excerpt, she explains why buying a big house isn't necessary—and how having a smaller home can actually benefit kids in the long run. Just after announcing their pregnancy, my friends Larry and Gayle bought their dream McMansion in a suburb of Cleveland. The home brought the great promise of happiness an American family can achieve only by acquiring an oversize kitchen, a sprawling master bath, and 15-foot ceilings. Larry happily embarked on his new two-hour commute to work, shrugging his shoulders and saying, “Oh, it’s not bad,” before reminding us about all the reading one can accomplish on a train ride.

That’s hardly debatable—we all want more reading time. But what might be worth examining are the motives behind American families’ lust for larger homes. Homes are the single most expensive aspect of raising kids, according to a 2014 government report. And newly constructed houses have, on average, increased in size by 53 percent since 1973, according to the Census Bureau. The ratio of houses with three or more stories has doubled. Kids thrive in smaller houses, which foster family communication and cultivate bonding between siblings. New homes are designed with features that provide for more space and greater privacy. While these features most certainly come in handy when we’re touring our friends around, experts wonder: Where did we get the idea that sprawling living rooms and child-centric wings are essential for successfully raising kids?

Why You Don't Need a Big Home to Raise a Successful, Happy Kid Big houses are not necessarily bad for families. But we seem to have collectively decided that when it comes to living quarters, bigger is better in every circumstance. That each of us needs space and privacy. That all our friends have a big house, so we should get one, too. These houses—we may have come to believe—are tangible measures of our happiness and success. And that’s 100 percent false.

Kids thrive in smaller houses, which by design can help them dodge some invisible struggles that later plague adolescents and teens. For starters, these homes create more convenient backdrops for family communication and cultivate bonding between siblings. Plus, sometimes smaller homes are closer to a city and tend to cut down parents’ commute times.

And who was it that decided that each of our kids should have their own bedroom? There’s no research stating that children, particularly young ones, thrive more fully when they can close the door and be alone. On the contrary, room-sharing has a litany of psychological benefits, starting with the sense of emotional protection at bedtime. Because the frontal lobe of a child’s brain is still developing between the ages of 2 and 5, kids cannot separate imaginary life from real life, says Dr. Gwen Wurm, a developmental-behavioral pediatrician in Miami who wrote the foreword to my book. This accounts for kids truly believing there are monsters in the closet. And having a sibling in the room offers a security they might not be able to express or even realize. That presence can combat resistance to bedtime and can foster peaceful sleeping, says Dr. Wurm.

Smaller houses encourage the kind of unscripted moments during which real teaching and genuine communication occurs. That doesn’t mean peace will remain through all waking hours. Small disagreements and full-scale wars, complete with the hurling of toy-car missiles, are a certainty among all siblings, including those who share a room. But even that clashing can set the stage for the kind of sibling connection that lasts a lifetime. Room-sharing provides so many ways for sisters or brothers or even combinations—though there are benefits to separating those kids before puberty—to work together as a team and learn to negotiate. A bunkmate also provides kids with a built-in confidante. And a strong sibling bond has lifelong benefits.

A smaller home also probably means the TV can be heard from around the house. The rewards come when we’re able to effortlessly monitor what our kids are watching. We can scream, “Change the channel,” or simply step in and magically appear for a teachable moment, educating our kids on being careful consumers during commercials. While fast-food chains and toy makers are trying to hold them captive, we can explain that people on television may seem beautiful and happy stuffing fries in their mouths, but they are acting.

It’s simple: The more opportunities a family has to communicate, the more a family will communicate. Smaller houses encourage the kind of unscripted moments during which real teaching and genuine communication occurs, says Dr. Wurm. The best discussions aren’t planned, she says, but are sparked from passing each other in hallways or from sitting around a kitchen island. Smaller homes give kids and adults easy access to one another, making the spontaneous expression of a thought or daily event practically effortless.

And if the size of your house means kids are sick of seeing you all the time, good; tell them to go outside. Rather than lounging around on leather sofas, Dr. Wurm wants to see our kids spend time outdoors, particularly in green or wooded areas. This enhances their physical and mental well-being. Sunlight and trees are natural mood elevators, and exercise improves a kid’s ability to learn and concentrate. Studies from the University of Illinois point out that kids score better on tests after exercise, and separate research proves children with ADHD display higher levels of focus after coming in from outside.

Overall, all this is not to say that people in big houses won’t be home in time for dinner or will somehow neglect to communicate with their unsuccessful kids. Besides, how could we even define the words "big houses," seeing as it would have a far different definition for a family in New York City than it would for a Texan? Rather, the idea is to introduce some alternative considerations when contemplating the homes we choose and evaluating their locations and sizes. Or even during those unfortunate times when we compare our lives to other people’s lives.

It’s true, many families—hopefully most—with colossal kitchens will do a great job of organizing sibling-bonding opportunities. But considering the true developmental needs of our kids, those families without so much space will not be doing even one bit worse. Adapted excerpt from Not Buying It: Stop Overspending and Start Raising Happier, Healthier, More Successful Kids by Brett Graff. Available from Seal Press, a member of The Perseus Books Group. Copyright © 2016. http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-24064/why-living-in-a-smaller-home-can-help-you-raise-a-happy-kid.html

The Connection between Childhood Experiences and Adult Problems by Marcia Sirota

As an adult psychiatrist, I spend a lot of time thinking and talking about childhood, and there's a good reason for this. It's become abundantly clear over the past 20-plus years of doing psychotherapy that childhood experiences are at the root of adult problems. Every person who's walked through my office door suffering from depression, anxiety, relationship or work problems, low self-esteem or addiction has a history of some type of adversity in their childhood. It's become clear to me by listening to their stories that were it not for these painful events, the person wouldn't be struggling as much as they are, today. When we look at a young child who's beginning to show signs of emotional disturbance or behavioural issues, what we're seeing is that something has happened to them, or something is happening, that is causing them the beginnings of a problem. If we're to do the best for our children, we have to understand the basic emotional necessities of childhood and the types of events that are likely to cause a child difficulties, now and in the future. Whether we're dealing with a child who seems mostly well-adjusted in the moment, or one who's begun to exhibit signs of more significant dysfunction, those of us in the helping fields want to do everything we can to optimize the child's emotional and psychological well-being so as to prevent future problems. If we're to do the best for our children, we have to understand the basic emotional necessities of childhood and the types of events that are likely to cause a child difficulties, now and in the future. When it comes to the necessities of childhood, we have to remember that perfect parenting is neither necessary nor possible. A child just needs, as the British psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott so aptly put it, "good enough parenting." Good enough parenting means that the child is loved and valued for who they are, not for how they behave, and the child is nurtured, cared for and protected, but not coddled. In fact, the "good enough" parent allows the child to be disappointed and frustrated at times, so that they learn to tolerate and cope with these types of experiences in adulthood. And interestingly, "good enough parenting" also applies to the other adults in a child's life; the adults who teach, guide and support the child. Each one of these adults has an important role to play in the child's development and emotional well-being. When we think about the experiences that lead to difficulties in childhood and beyond, there are two distinct types: the absence of certain necessities or the presence of hurtful events. Children need to feel important, but not so important that their agenda supersedes that of the parent. Overly-permissive parents who indulge their children are depriving them of the guidance and limits they need in order to develop appropriately and function optimally as adults. Love, affirmation, guidance, protection and limits: these are the necessities of childhood. When a child is raised with all of these things, they're far more likely to grow into high-functioning adults with good confidence and self worth, who have constructive coping strategies in difficult times. When we think about the experiences that lead to difficulties in childhood and beyond, there are two distinct types: the absence of certain necessities or the presence of hurtful events. If a child is neglected; if they're not praised enough -- perhaps from a parent's misguided notion that this will give them a "swelled head" -- or if they're not encouraged to do things, the child will grow up with a lack of confidence and self-worth. Children take things personally, so what they experience informs their identity. If part of the neglect includes a lack of protection from hurtful experiences, the child will grow up feeling helpless, worthless -- because they'll start to see themselves as not entitled to protection -- and perhaps even deserving of harm. Children take things personally, so what they experience informs their identity. Love them, and they feel good about themselves; neglect them, and they feel bad. In terms of adverse events that happen to a child, these experiences can take many forms: a child can be emotionally hurt or abused through harsh criticism, shaming, blaming or the instilling of guilt; they can be physically assaulted via overly harsh corporal punishment or beatings with fists, belts or other objects, or they can be sexually abused. The child can have an overly-controlling or perfectionist parent; a narcissistic parent who expects the child to excel so that the parent can feel good about themselves, or a parent who competes with their child because they're threatened by the child's youth and promise. A child can be picked on, bullied, made fun of or taken advantage of. They can be ostracized and isolated by those around them, and made to feel worthless and useless. These experiences can occur at home, at school, during extra-curricular activities or in play-time. Parents, siblings, relatives, friends, teachers, coaches, even members of the clergy can be responsible for hurting a child. Sometimes, more than one person is doing so, which of course adds to the child's current and future emotional difficulties. There's another, more subtle way a child can be hurt, and this is when one or both parents make the child responsible for tasks that they're too young to manage. This makes the child feel incompetent and inadequate and often filled with shame for "failing" at tasks that developmentally, they're not expected to know how to accomplish. These types of tasks can include being made to care for younger siblings or managing the household at a very young age; being put in the role of parental confidante; being thrust into the position of mediator between fighting parents; being responsible for the family's finances, or being pressured to perform at school, in their hobbies (for example, performing arts, spelling bees or math competitions) or in individual or team sports at a level that is beyond them, or not what they themselves want to do. Sometimes, it's not the parents who expect too much from a child; it can be a teacher, a coach or anyone else who is pushing a child beyond the limits of their ability. There's a fine line between encouraging a child to do their best and making a child feel oppressed by adult expectations. Encouragement and support will most likely bring out the best in a child, but pushing them too hard could cause them to have emotional problems. If we want to protect our children from harm and prevent current and future difficulties, we need to be aware of the ways in which a child's self-confidence, self-worth, sense of optimism and ability to function can be compromised. Some hurtful experiences come from other types of family stressors; for example, when one of the parents or a sibling becomes ill or dies; when one or both parents are very young and ill-equipped to handle being a parent; when a parent is suffering from mental illness and their symptoms are expressed in bizarre or unpredictable behaviour toward their children; when parents are dealing with other difficulties such as work stress, financial problems, crises in the extended family, serious addictions or a troubled marriage. All of the above are experiences which will have a negative impact on a developing child. If we want to protect our children from harm and prevent current and future difficulties, we need to be aware of the ways in which a child's self-confidence, self-worth, sense of optimism and ability to function can be compromised. When we see signs of dysfunction or disturbance in a young child, such as excessive anger, sleep refusal, acting out, defiance, compulsive behaviours, destructive behaviour toward themselves or others, truancy, school failure, agitation or moodiness, we need to search carefully for the roots of this behaviour and as much as possible, address the problem immediately, so as to improve things for the child, now and for the future. http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/marcia-sirota/the-connection-between-childhood-experiences_b_9212340.html

Free Smartphone app to help discover autism in toddlers

Free smartphone app to help detect autism in toddlers Last updated 11:38, February 17 2016          Researchers say the app will help ensure children with autism receive vital early intervention. A free smartphone app could help parents detect autism in children as young as 12 months old. La Trobe University's Olga Tennison Autism Research Centre (OTARC) this week launched ASDetect, an app they say will help ensure children with autism receive vital early intervention.
    The app uses questions drawn from research by autism expert and psychologist Dr Josephine Barbaro, and gives parents access to video footage from actual clinical assessments that clearly demonstrate the context and expected key behaviours of children at each age. A sample of the ASDectect app for parents who may feel their children are developing differently than expected. Barbaro says the app will revolutionise the way autism is identified. "ASDetect is an empowering tool for parents who may feel their children are developing differently than expected and are looking for answers. The new ASDetect app is an ideal way to share proven techniques with thousands of parents," she said. "All typically developing infants are motivated to be social, look at other people's faces, learn from them and copy. "Children with ASD are not doing this - and we can now accurately identify this at a much younger age and take action, with the help of parents."
    The app combines Barbaro's assessment questions with videos demonstrating the "red flag" behaviours critical in determining the likelihood of ASD in children as young as 12 months. Ad Feedback Parents view two videos: one showing a child with ASD, the other showing a typically developing child. Parents then answer questions regarding their own child. The information entered by the parents is automatically sent to OTARC's database where analysis of individual results is completed. Parents are then sent information via a notification through the app, with advice as to whether they should seek professional help.
     As ASD can emerge over time, ASDetect includes assessments for children aged 12 months, 18 months and 24 months.
 "This is not a replacement for professional assessment; however ASDetect will provide parents with an indication as to whether they should seek a professional opinion from a doctor at a time when intervention will have the biggest impact," Barbaro said. In Australia, the average age of autism diagnosis is currently four years old and it can take as long as four years, from when parents first raise concerns about their child, to receive a formal diagnosis of autism. Signs of autism in young children :
Does not make consistent eye contact
Does not share smiles
Does not show their toys to others
Does not play social games
Does not point to indicate interest
 Does not respond when their name is called

The app is available for free on the App Store and Google Play.

 EssentialBaby.com.au/ https://gillsonlinegems.myshopify.com

The Secret Word to Easier Parenting by Abundant Mama

“Tell me and I forget, teach me and I may remember, involve me and I learn.” ― Benjamin Franklin You want your child to do what you ask. You want them to hear you the first time. You want them to do it right, too. But, they don’t listen. They squawk and argue. You’re feeling hopeless. You don’t want to fight about it. So, I give you the secret word to easier parenting that also happens to invite connection between you and your independent offspring. Are you ready? Here’s the secret word to easier parenting: Let’s (is that really two words?) Let’s clean your room. Let’s go outside and play. Let’s read. Let’s eat all of our veggies tonight. Let’s see how fast we can get the dishes done tonight. Let’s make dinner. Let’s __________. {Fill in the blank on what you’ll say today} Using let’s is a lot nicer than saying GO. It’s more welcoming. More loving. More playful. And, so, even if it doesn’t always work (because it will not always work), by using it you’ve begun transforming how you speak to each other at home. And that makes the world a happier place to live, doesn’t it? What do you think? Is this a word you use often or not? Please share any other words you use on a regular basis to create more peace in your home. If you like this idea of easier parenting, please sign up to get on the Abundant Mama waiting list for April 2015.http://www.abundantmama.com/the-secret-word-to-easier-parenting/