Mothers living with conflict by Elaine Heffner

The revival of Wendy Wasserstein’s play “The Heidi Chronicles” focuses attention on unresolved questions in an earlier form from an earlier time. Having opened on Broadway first in 1989, the play ended the decade that began with Helen Gurley Brown’s “Having it All” in 1982. That decade having begun with high expectations, Wasserstein reflects the questioning and perhaps disillusionment at its end. It is interesting to revisit the evolution of women’s choices and feelings during a period that marked a struggle to transform the role of women. The 1970s, a time of militant feminism, was marked in a sense by avoiding the central conflict women were to face between caring for children — emotionally and physically — while pursuing personal goals. The focus was on personal fulfillment and rejection of the “housewife” label. But women did find themselves with the wish — or need — for mates and children as part of their “personal fulfillment.” In the early ‘80s I was asked to do a survey for Redbook Magazine on how women felt about motherhood. The results revealed a renewed interest and desire to have children as an expression of being fulfilled as a woman. A new baby boom was on the way and the “solution” to “having it all” was to become “superwoman.” This gave rise to the familiar ads in newspapers and magazines portraying a mom with a briefcase in one arm and a baby on the other. The world has moved on, bringing new realities. Women as breadwinners have become the norm. The economy as well as social changes no longer support the traditional picture of father as economic provider and mother as caretaker of home and children. In increasing numbers women have become primary breadwinners and fathers have taken the role of child care. Economic reality often replaces personal fulfillment. Yet the conflict between personal goals and commitment to others continues to find expression — often in unsatisfying solutions. Increasingly, women who have the financial means have returned to full-time motherhood in response to the stresses of combining child care with demanding jobs. The conflict involved in this history and in present dilemmas is not one that can be resolved if the goal is to no longer experience conflict. In our wish to rid ourselves of unpleasant conflicted feelings, we continue the search for a solution to accomplish that goal. But a conflict between personal needs and wishes and those of others is inherent in all human relationships and is especially strong in relationships with our dependent children. Much of life consists of trying to balance which needs predominate in situations that occur daily. Page 2 of 2 - The inherent conflict in relationships is intensified by both internal and external factors that need to be addressed. On the social level, nostalgia for an earlier time has contributed to the failure to provide needed universal child-care supports. On the internal level, destructive feelings of guilt on the part of mothers interfere with an ability to balance their own needs with those of their children. Part of that guilt is an expression of the deep love and responsibility they feel for their children. Part is the legacy of theories about children and mothers and children’s needs. These theories were developed when the norm was mothers as full-time caregivers, which then tied meeting children’s needs to mother care rather than nurturing. As a consequence, ideas about children’s needs and being a “good mother” have been distorted. The real task, which has not yet been adequately addressed, is learning to live with feelings of conflict, recognizing that it is part of the human condition. Elaine Heffner, LCSW, Ed.D., has written for Parents Magazine, Fox.com, Redbook, Disney online and PBS Parents, as well as other publications. She is a psychotherapist and parent educator in private practice, as well as a senior lecturer of education in psychiatry at Weill Cornell Medical College. Dr. Heffner was a co-founder and served as director of the Nursery School Treatment Center at Payne Whitney Clinic, New York Hospital. She blogs at goodenoughmothering.co.uk http://www.mpnnow.com/article/20150331/NEWS/150339929/2002/LIFESTYLE/?Start=2k

When Breast Feeding Isn't Easy (Plus 6Tips) byb Linnea Covington

New Mother’s Anguish: When Breastfeeding Isn’t Easy (Plus 6 Tips) Breastfeeding can be difficult, and a lot of work. One mother shares her experience and tips. * * * For most mothers, feeding your baby is one of the first things you do after your child is born and placed in your arms. That is, if you are lucky enough to have a problem-free birth. Unfortunately for me, when my son entered the world he wasn’t screaming; in fact, he wasn’t breathing at all. That blissful moment of bonding over baby’s first meal didn’t happen for three days, and even then, it was in the neonatal intensive care unit, known as NICU, surrounded by blinking machines, other teary-eyed parents, and a lot of nurses. * * * When our time to breastfeed finally did arrive, I felt the sharp bite of hard gums and the desperate suck of a hungry baby, a sensation both painful and beautiful, and yes, I cried. But just because my son took well to the boob those first few times doesn’t mean it was perfect from there. To start with, like most new moms, I wasn’t making enough milk to properly nourish my child while breastfeeding. The doctors in the NICU told me point blank: You can continue to pump and nurse him here, but he will have to stay on IV fluids — and stay longer. Or, they said, you can supplement his diet with formula and he should be fine in five days. After a labor that completely derailed from my original delivery plan, I didn’t want to change my decision to feed my child only breast milk. I didn’t want the guilt of feeling like the worst mother ever for giving my kid formula. But the need to have my son strong and home won out. When baby Gunnar was discharged five days later healthy and full, I realized it was worth it. * * * There are many reasons why breastfeeding is widely promoted. Breast milk has all the nutrients and antibodies your child needs, it’s the perfect temperature, it’s conveniently right there all the time, and hey, it’s free. But I’ve come to believe that formula is a good supplement or substitute when circumstances require it, especially when it means mom and baby are happier, healthier, or less stressed as a result. Huge developments have been made in the world of formula, and I feel there is nothing wrong with giving it to your baby. There are all sorts of reasons moms end up going this route: issues with milk production, babies unable to latch on, the return to the workplace, or physical and emotional discomfort. One friend of mine said she was so anxious about breastfeeding that it affected bonding with her son. After a few months she decided formula would have to do, for the sake of her child and her own mental health. And guess what? At two years old, her son is perfectly fine. * * * As for me, I figured breastfeeding would be simple and exactly as portrayed in movies, on the street, and in cafes. Easy, right? You just cuddle that little bundle of joy to your bosom and allow him to suck until satisfied. Sure, but what if he keeps falling asleep at say, 1 a.m., while feeding? Every time you try and take him away from the boob, he wakes up and wants more. In the end, I wasn’t sleeping and I had a nagging feeling my son wasn’t getting enough milk, a fear unfounded but none the less real. When you have to feed your newborn every two to three hours, it quickly becomes the biggest deal in your life. As a food writer who has spent most of her time thinking about eating, having someone else’s insatiable hunger as the focus of my every waking hour threw me for a loop. Feeding a baby is completely different than feeding myself, and frankly, not nearly as fun. After a week, I felt like I was losing my mind. I honestly didn’t know how other women did it, but I knew something needed to change, which is why I started bottle-feeding expressed milk at night. The time- and stress-saver helped tremendously and gave me energy in the morning to really cherish nursing. Plus, it allowed my son’s dad to enjoy baby’s mealtime as well. However a mother ends up feeding her child those first few weeks is up to her. Guilt or societal norms shouldn’t influence the decision. The real trick if you’re a new mom is to listen to your body and your baby. * * * Tips for breastfeeding mothers: 1. Don’t expect your newborn to latch on perfectly the first few weeks. If you need help, take advantage of the lactation consultants in the maternity war while you are in the hospital. If you need more help once you are home, contact your local Le Leche League. 2. Herbal supplements and teas can boost milk production (plus the ritual of making and drinking tea helps you relax, which in turn aids lactation). Most of the available products are herbal blends that include fennel, blessed thistle, and fenugreek, which, be warned, can cause gas in some mothers and babies. Good products to try include Traditional Medicinals’ Mother’s Milk tea, Motherlove’s More Milk Plus capsules or tincture, and Yogi’s Woman’s Nursing Support tea. 3. Make sure you are as comfortable or as cozy as you can be. I had a C-section and found the Brest Friend pillow really helped with nursing the baby over the incision. 4. Drink lots of water, approximately 16 cups a day. To help make sure I’m getting enough, I actually keep a tally. Even if you feel like you are consuming enough, you might be surprised. Hitting the 16-cup mark isn’t easy. 5. Eat a lot of good food. Though it’s hard to feed yourself, especially right after having a baby, eating is super important. Breastfeeding burns up to 500 calories a day, so you really need the nutrients to keep you going and to produce more milk. 6. Don’t be afraid to go out. If you’re at a restaurant, coffee shop, or café, try and get seated at a corner table. It’s more discreet and if you don’t like using a feeding cover, you will only be flashing your tablemates. It also helps to let the server or host know you plan on breastfeeding. That way they can stop by at more convenient times and get you the most private table possible, if that’s what you want. https://www.yahoo.com/food/new-mothers-anguish-when-breastfeeding-isnt-114409996806.html